The Letter: A True Confession About Panic Attacks

Then comes the night that I view as a complete nightmare: “Oh… how am I going to survive tonight?”

The daytime somehow distracts me—not that I don’t run to the office bathroom every now and then to catch my breath or cry, depending on my mood. I lie down in bed (most of the time I sleep on the couch) after bargaining with my fear for several hours. Everything feels numb. The fear of never waking up again, thoughts, thoughts, crying, despair, misery, loneliness…

“Am I going crazy?” That thought stabs me like a knife deep into my stomach, and I can’t breathe.

And that’s usually how I fall asleep (if I haven’t already been jolted awake by a panic attack in the middle of the night), drenched in sweat, with nightmares as my familiar friends. Eventually, dawn arrives. I drag my heavy legs out of bed as if I had been fighting a war all night. With zero motivation, I have to go to work. I can’t bear the feeling of having to fight every single day.

The Illusion of Safety and Isolation

I see the morning sun, and instead of feeling joy, all I can think about is how many hours I’ll be away at work. And just like that, I turn my house into a fortress of supposed—as I would realize later—safety. Then I contemplate: should I commute by car or take the subway? I don’t know which is worse.

• “What? Go out for a drink? You must be joking… The moment I consume some alcohol, I’ll lose control and go insane.”
• “What? The cinema? You’re out of your mind. To lock myself in there and suffocate to death? Home sweet home…”

I am terrified. Fear is everywhere. My whole body aches, my limbs feel heavy, my heart is about to burst, I can’t breathe. I feel like my life is ending. And what kind of life is it anyway? Am I living it? No, I’m absolutely not.

As if everything that has happened to me lately wasn’t enough, I now have panic attacks. The diagnosis, of course, came from the internet. I vividly remember searching with trembling hands on Google “what are panic attacks”… Looking at the screen as if waiting for a crystal ball—the internet guru—to tell me what’s wrong. I look back and question my intelligence! At least I saw that others have it too. I read through online forums, everyone sharing their own misery. Now what?

I’ve reached my breaking point. This isn’t me. Me? The person who went everywhere, had friends, and enjoyed life? I cannot stand myself anymore.

The Brain’s «False Alarm» System

How was I to know back then that a false alarm system had simply been activated in my brain, and my adrenaline was hitting red?

People around me advise: “Go to a psychiatrist, go to a general practitioner, some herbal supplement will detox you from stress, maybe some chemical… a pill wouldn’t hurt”. I carry valerian drops and water in my bag like a protective amulet. Enough.

The classic question is always: “Why me?”

But that question doesn’t interest me anymore. My question to you is: Why do you allow it? Why do you let it rule your life?

• Learn to listen to your body.
• Learn to listen to your thoughts.
• Learn to listen to your needs.

Speak Up for Yourself

You don’t have to do all of this alone. If you look around, there is someone who can broaden your horizons and guide you. Speak about everything that weighs heavily on you. Speak about your relationships. Speak about all those people who supposedly “don’t bother you.”

Speak up for YOU.

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🎯 First Steps Toward Freedom

If the symptoms described in this letter feel all too familiar, you can take our clinical Anxiety Test (BAI) for an initial evaluation of your stress levels. Panic attacks are treatable. Through Individual Therapy, we can retrain your brain’s alarm system, helping you regain control and safely step back into your life.